I Moved On

If I remember correctly, I once gathered my confidence and spoke to you about my love for you. I am a lot of things but not open. At least you can now imagine what it took me for me to finally express the feelings and emotions that I had for you.
An eternity!

Goosebumps. Chills. I became edgy. I was overly tense after my love confession to you.

And I remember, a tremulous smile perfectly curved your lips after my confession hoping for a positive feedback from you. I remember it all. I really do.

You put me on hold. Anxiously, I waited. Little did I know that my love for you seemed trivial, to you. Shamelessly and jokingly, you brushed it off. Truth is, it did hurt.

I mourned the love I had had for you for quite some time. Difficult was what it was. I held onto the forlorn hope of my love for you as I waited for it to burn out.
I gave you the chance to revive it because I would have chose to stay if you wanted me to.
I tried, I waited.. Oh yes! I waited.

I knew it was time, for me to finally survive without you. I grew tired. I couldn’t wait for your answer anymore for it seemed to never land on my ears. For once in my life, I preferred for my heart to be broken. Your negligence to respond to my love for you indeed did cut me open to the core.

I finally chose to let go. What a sad way for me to finally let go of what I once thought could be “our start of something new”.

All buried in my memories of ‘never will be’ I decide to move on and overlook the fact that my heart once chose you. I need to settle, stress free. Life goes on and it is fine if you never believed in my love, someone else will.

And it is funny how you have never come to terms with the fact that I finally chose to move on until now.

My long wait for your response towards my love for you has suddenly become believable to you and you can’t fathom the idea that I got over you.

Truth is, time has so much passed. And your realization of my love for you is awkwardly coming out at the wrong time. Now what do you expect me to do? Guilt trip and take you back like the weak person you expect me to be or talk it out to you like the grown ass people we are hoping for you to take it in positively and calmly. Like it should be easy right?

Well, the adages;
“time waits for no man and you never know its worth until it is gone” has never hit me so bad like now. I don’t know about you but, love is a very beautiful thing however, time waits for no man. I have moved on.


Drink to that!

Dear Best friend

I used to be alone. Most times. Actually, all times. My problems were mine. Having limited to no friends was all that I had. I needed a male version of what I embody so, the gap needed to be filled. By now, you already know, something has always been a miss and just like Juliet, I had to find my Romeo. Not in a romantic way but in a friendly way you get? Somebody I could relate with on a number of stuff based on a lot of things… roasting other people inclusive… Just the right amount of crazy!

No matter how badly I needed my partner in crime, I was not in any hurry whatsoever to finally have you. I am a firm believer of what’s mine will eventually find me. Just like you did!

You compliment me in literally everything and it got me thinking, where have you been all my life dear best friend?

It might have taken us a long while to finally click, however, am so glad you came my way!

I rarely admit to this because your proud ass wouldn’t settle thereafter, but truth is, I wouldn’t want to lose you!
You are my swiftness of the rock, my radiance of the sun and the constant voice at the back of my head that ascertains me “I can do it” every time I feel discouraged.

Some think we’re lovers but does it matter really?
You are, and will always be my first priority and it is fine if nobody understands our friendship, so long as we are good with it, we good period!

Thank you for truckloads of good times big head! What is life without you?

You have clearly seen me on my best and worst days and the fact that you’ve always been here, with me, through it all, still amazes me!

You know you got exactly the reciprocal of all that which you’ve been for me, in me, right? I am not going any where and together, we’ll be through it all! I love you so much best friend.

I need help!

I feel needy. I no longer want to feel like so
Walls around me are caving in
Where does my help come from?
I’m so broke and torn deep inside
I’m vulnerable, so vulnerable in most areas
Again, where does my help come from?
Que sera sera; whatever will be will be

I’m tired of fake promises,
I believed in all of them, every promise you willingly made to me without my askance;
I did not ask you to, but you chose to say
Unforced, untriggered but by your own will
I blindly excited my inner self
I was overwhelmed, your promises consisted of my ‘to-be-accomplished future goals’
Your promises, messed up my mind, you destroyed my normal peace of mind

If only, I had known,
I wouldn’t be so behind like I am now

I got my heart broken twice
I disappointed my ‘wanting a peace of mind’ – Again!
Where is the fulfilment of the promises you made to me ?
I am vulnerable,
Why me?

I’m scared, I want out.
I feel my force spirit has suddenly been paused, by the promises you willingly made to me

Yes, the never to be accomplished promises

Oh my bad!
I am scared. I need help!

I have learned, overtime, to always expect the bare minimum from people

But I keep forgetting the exact same thing I’ve just said
Because it is hard.
I’m human, and man is to err
I get trapped, I am trapped, again

Withdrawal, that is how I feel
I feel lost, I feel stagnant
I am afraid I won’t trust, again!

I felt unappreciated today!

I felt unappreciated today!
I am greatly cast down by the nervousness of my mental breakdown
My emotional imbalance is pushing me to the edge by my feeling blue
I feel like cutting through my skin so deep without a flinch
I feel invisible!
I don’t even know how to comfort myself from the disappointments over my own expectations
Because like everyone else, I also seem not to be aware of my existence
I’m slowly giving in

I felt unappreciated today!
I am sick and tired of trying my level best to show up for my friends when they don’t really do the same for me
Been there for them through thick and thin
Sticking by them even with the very last penny in my pocket
And when they are all hale and hearty,
They walk with their heads held high looking down on me for my kindness
Because like everyone else, they overcame their dark days
Without an utterance of the words ‘thank you’
And, at the speed of moving on swiftly, I am left there to beat myself on;

How not good enough I am…
And so, I feel unappreciated today!

I felt unappreciated today,

Like the well mannered person I am,
I obediently offered my sit to this particular old man who hobbled into the Matatu with the aid of his stick to save him the hustle of having not to reach the back seat
And shock on me, he suddenly hurls at me
And I was like goddammit!
I wish I could take my sit back!

I felt unappreciated today,
I told you about it, you brushed it off
And truth is, that did hurt, quite a lot!
Unapologetically, your ego won, again!
I am down in the dumps

I felt unappreciated today!

Long Distance Relationship

“It will work out. It all works out”
I chew my head off about this for more than a hundredth time now.

But how will it all work out? Too much askance to self. Of course, this is not figurative, I know I must mount hope. Not only for my sake, but for our sake.

I have been filled with so much fear.
Fear of loosing you and fear of you getting used to someone new, other than me.

But what is love without hope? What is love without trust? Full trust? I keep thinking about the moments we are are to create, the pictures we are to re create and above all, the things we are yet to explore into, together.

You are worth the wait and I know I can.

How do I stop myself from getting jealous? Jealous of every single person that gets to see you on a daily basis? I’m extremely jealous of literally everyone around you as per now. I miss you. I always do miss you. The thought that you’re nowhere near me has been disturbing me for countless times every time the thought itself, crosses my mind. I can’t wait to have you, by me.

Together, I’m certain we’ll withstand this. The miles set to separate us are just a test of time and I cannot wait to meet you tonight, in my dreams. I cannot wait to smile stupidly at your texts when you get time off work, for us to finally talk. You are so deserving of my time, my energy and am eagerly waiting to finally lay my eyes on you.

The thought of you not being here with me is tearing me inside. I am bae-sick. But I guess, that is what true love entails; patience, love, patience and more love.

This is no ordinary love and so, I know that we will survive. We will be okay. Actually, we are currently doing okay.

Until you get here, with me, may it be known that I hate days like these. Glad that we are so close at heart though.

Donations

Been doing donations to literally every person I’ve met. To the ones I still talk to and to those that I literally got no connection with anymore.

Apart of me wishes to let them know that am so grateful I was once a part of their lifetime sequence.

There is one thing that I will forever be delighted in; that is,

I know that I did leave a positive impact in your life that no one has ever impacted on.

I taught you how to love yourself and to always live in the moment. I am a happy person and I believe that I radiate good energy to those around me. I taught you to always choose you.

I have a touch of unrighteousness though. Well, no man is perfect.

I can be bad if I want to and many a times, I lack the patience to wait on someone to change and I have no tolerance to entertain bullshit. I don’t work on second chances because I believe am a gem. I showed y’all my worth and you had the right to maintain on whether to stick to it or not
In which, you chose not to, which am certain you regret to date.

And oh, to those relationships I walked out myself, may it be known that there’s never a day I go to bed thinking about you. I’m never haunted by regrets because in most, if not all, I always chose me.

Removing you from my space has benefitted me quite a lot.

So, been doing donations to literally every person I’ve met because us, givers, love to see it when we make you smile.

Always been there for a cause!

You still look good in that shirt that I got you and am glad you still wear it
You look hella dope in the shoes I got you and am glad a part of me still lives in your life!
I am glad everything still counts and please, do live up to the person you aspire to be.

Move on!